Birthday

What is Birthday?

celebration? party? cakes? candles? presents? wishes? laughter and crazy?

no. none of them suits what I have these years

birthday doesn't give me special meaning after my 12th

nope, no celebration, no party, no cake, no presents, no wishes

or erm, some, a few will send me a happy-birthday-sms

and recent years is worst

I can count those wishes within one hand, 5 fingers

same goes to the thing called present

I even bought present and a piece of cake for myself 

using my own money, eating that piece of cake alone. lol

I envy, I jealous when I saw people celebrating their birthdays

with their friends and family, happily

and my mood always goes down

I always wish that someone would give me a surprise party

I always wish that I will have many presents

I always wish that I can have my birthday smiling, laughing

but it always turn out as if it is a normal day

like the days I have everyday

I started not to go to other people's birthday party

cause it will make me feel sad inside

cause I don't have such celebration

I won't enjoy even if I go, I can't smile from my heart

it no longer mean anything special to me...

home...

as I grew older, I hate to go home

I don't hate because I'm not born in a rich family

not because they can't afford to buy me an iPhone or iPad or whatever "i' it is

I hate because it was once a warm family

or it pretends to be when I was small

I once had a great time with my parents and brother

we always go for vacation whenever there is a holiday

even though it is not overseas, I'm still happy

he works, very hard, in my memory

yes he did, he was, yea, the word "was"

that time I was 13, I don't know why he stopped working

when I was 17, I know why

you always think that you are well-experienced, highly capable

you always think that you are always-right-person, the others are shit

even now, I'm 20, you're still the same

you think you're the best, we're always wrong

you never get along with people, always argue with others

wanting to be dominant

yes, I admit that you are experienced, you do have the knowledge at work

but have you ever think that this is 21st century now? there is something called Internet...

the new generation can easily replace you? you are already 60...

and people have rights and wrongs... why can't you just forgive others for doing wrong sometimes?

and why can't you just admit it when you're wrong sometimes?

why do you have to treat your child like your workers? giving orders to 'em?

why do you need your child to be genius? 

thinking they can do everything thus ask them to solve everything by themselves?

questioning them why they can't get the first place at school?

I remember very well, you always used to say "one wrong, both punish"

me and my brother

you claimed it as a fairness, we see it as unfairness

why do I have to be cane when brother is wrong?

or why my bro have to be cane when I was wrong?

this is not fair at all

I used to think that you're a good father

but I hate it when I see you drunk

you scold us without reasons every time you're drunk and came home

and there was once I saw you came home and fell on the corridor of living room

my mom have to drag you all the way back room

you're 6 feet tall, my mom is just 5 feet ... and you're not skinny nor slim...

I was primary school and this scene had been carve into my memory deeply

I saw my mom crying in the middle of the night, many times

I saw her diary, I knew you have affair out there

but she did not leave you and this home

that was 10 years back

10 years later, now

I know you have affair out there, again

my mom never cries anymore

but I know her heart hurts

plus, we all know, you  have not been giving her expenses for many years

you always act as if it is non of your business

water leaking from ceiling, termites, sand leaking from don't-know-where

toilet flush problem

you never attend to these problems

as if this is not your house, as if you don't know what's going on

you never cares

all these... it makes me hate...

you make me hate, I mean, us

me, my brother, and my mom...

this is no longer the warm family I thought when I was in nursery...

I'm now staying at hostel... I feel not to go home...

I don't want to see or talk to you...

Escape...

my heart is empty

my feelings aren't well

everything is not ok recently

I always wish that I'm cold blooded

no feelings, at least, I won't feel sad and heart won't aches

or if I can lost my memory

at least I can forget all those sadness

even I will forget happiness too

I felt myself going back to who I was

no friends, fake smile and laugh

cinemas and shopping alone

sitting infront of my laptop, starring the screen,

scrolling up and down, don't know what myself is doing

sometimes I wish I could just give up everything

all my studies, assignments, future career, family, friends

I wanna rest

a 2-week semester break is not enough for me

I know my academic results aren't that good

I know my learning ability is slow

I know I can't get along with people, at least not in short time

I know I'm always slacking, emotional

but

I don't know where my motivations had gone

the only thing that can motivate me to do is sleep

at least I don't need to think when I'm sleeping

at least I don't need to care what happened around me

although bad dreams make me cries, nightmare makes me awake

yea, I know

I'm just wanting to escape from everything...